Yesterday, I was watching a TV show in which someone "absorbed" their twin in the womb. Me and my sister managed to convince our younger brother that he had done the same and were surprised to find he actually believed us, screaming "I ATE MY TWIN?!" He's 22. MLIA.
Yesterday, at lunch, I was ranting to my friends about how much I hate Miley Cyrus and how pathetic she is. Little did I know, my teacher was behind me. Going to a strict catholic school, I expected a scolding. Instead, my elderly teacher added in a hushed voice, "She's a slut!". MLIA.
Today, I witnessed my 7-year-old sister standing up to a bully at the playground, who was making fun of her aSian eyes. Before I could get there to stop him, my sister kicked the kid in the balls, and stood over him saying "Yeah, my eyes are squinty, but you can't have kids anymore. Loser." I feel she will do great things in the future. MLIA.
Today, my friends and I were discussing what color we would be if we were crayons. One of my friends said "I'm not a crayon, so why does it matter?" Her last name is Marhker. MLIA
Today, I went up to my band teacher and said "I can't play today because my pad fell out" meaning the cork pads under the keys. His response? "You should go to the nurse, they have extras" I'm a guy. New favorite teacher. MLIA
Today, I went toaster shopping since my old one broke, I saw two on sale toasters, one ordinary toaster and one children's toaster that imprints the Batman logo onto the bread. I'm satisfied with my purchase, I now make Batman bread constantly. MLIA.
Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's six year old daughter. Dora The Explorer was on, and in the episode, there was a giant egg. When it hatched, a baby dinosaur came out and Boots the monkey asked "Is it a baby cow?". The little girl yelled "No, you dumbass!" then looked at me guiltily. I high fived her. MLIA
Today, I got my biology test back. Knowing that my professor loves his cats, I had doodled a cat playing in leaves on the back, and written "shameless attempt at extra credit" with an arrow pointing to the cat. On the front of my test, he wrote "+3 points for Kitty." MLIA
Today, my teacher told us a story about one of her ex-students. Whilst sitting for his final-year English paper (to write an essay), he chose the title "What is the most daring thing you have done?", and handed up a paper that was blank except for two words: "This is." He got an A. My teacher then proceeded to tell us not to do that for the exam. MLIA.
Today,we had "deaf day" for my American Sign Language class. We had to wear ear plugs and couldn't talk. I wanted to talk to my friend and ended up being late to class. I wrote a note and handed it to my ASL teacher. "It read: Sorry, I did not hear the bell." Needless to say, I didn't get marked tardy. MLIA
Today, I was shopping at the grocery store. I work at a competing grocery store in the area. I was feeling bad for not shopping at my store, when I saw my manager at the end of the isle with a shopping cart. We passed each other, without a word, pretending not to see each other. MLIA
Today, I saw a sign that said "breathing metropolitan air can reduce your life by 2-3 years". I would imagine that not breathing would reduce it considerably more. MLIA
Today while at Walmart, I saw a young boy sneak a box of condoms into an elderly lady's cart right before she checked out. When she found the box, she looked at it then shrugged and said she was running low. The look on the boy's face? Priceless. MLIA
Today, I was face painting at a carnival for my little brothers elementary school. All of the girls had been asking for butterflies, hearts, flowers etc. One girl walked up and as I began naming off some choices such as the generic hearts and flowers she cut me off and simply said, "A blue moustache please." Coolest kid ever. MLIA
Today, my roommate began a conversation with, "You know what's depressing about these animal crackers?... The tortoise and the hare are facing different directions, so you can't race them." For shame, Animal Cracker company, for shame. MLIA
The other day, my friends and I were coming home from Vegas. My friend had won a HUGE shark stuffed animal at one of the hotel arcades. When it came time to go through the airport security, he put the shark on the conveyor belt and the guy who was manning that screening station slowed the conveyor belt way down upon seeing the shark. He then started humming the Jaws theme while speeding up the conveyor belt as the song got more intense. MLIA
Today, we were taking a math test in class. We had to write the date at the top so everyone was asking the teacher what the date was. After about 5 or 6 people asked him my math teacher got fed up and said "The next person that asks me what today's date is will get 5 points off their test." One kid raises his hand and goes "What was yesterday's date?" MLIA.
Today, I was in my kitchen with my mom, my dad walks in with all his hair shaved off and said to my mom "Did you ever in your wildest dreams think I would get a buzz cut?" With no hesitation my mom replies "You're not in my wildest dreams." Picks up her tea and walks away. I love my family. MLIA.
Today, in my English class, a few girls and I were having a discussion about futuristic technology.We got on the topic of texting.One girl stated that they should make cell phone texting so that you could just simply talk into the phone and the other person would receive your message. I looked at her and said "That would be a phone call." MLIA
Today, my friend and I saw a table with a nothing but a sign that said, "Help yourself to anything on this table, but not the table." We took the sign. MLIA
Today, a balloon landed on my lawn with a note and 20 dollars inside. The note read "Dear stranger, Hope this makes your day." It made my year. MLIA
Last night, my boyfriend told me that there was an emergency, and to meet me at his house ASAP. Thinking something bad happened, I rushed over there. Apparently, the emergency was that he had too much ice cream and needed help eating it. I know I chose the right one. MLIA
Today I asked my younger brother what he wanted to be for Halloween. He said, "a pig. So that I can go up to people and demand they give me candy or else I'll give them swine flu." I think I will stop telling him he's adopted. MLIA
Today, I came to the gym at my university and discovered that the shampoo I forgot last week was still here. But now there was a post-it on it, which said 'Thanks!'.. 4 times with different handwritings and pens. You're welcome, pleasant-smelling strangers. MLIA.
Today, I went to Burger King. My friend noticed they had the crowns. One of the rules written on the inside of the crown stated that the person wearing the crown got what they wanted. So I put the crown on, walked up to the cashier, and asked for a vanilla milkshake. I got it. For free. MLIA
Today after reading an MLIA about getting a free milkshake at Burger King because they were wearing the crown, I decided to try it. I went up to the cashier, asked for fries and pointed to the crown. The cashier then put a crown on and said 'I want $1.32' and pointed to his crown. I paid him. Well played Burger King guy. MLIA
Today, our teacher was reading out answers to our homework. She was doing the usual "A" as in apples, "B" as in boys, etc. As she was saying "B" as in..., one kid running down the hall shouted "BITCH, GET BACK HERE!". She thanked them quietly for finishing her sentence, and moved on. I love my teacher. MLIA
The day before yesterday I received my permanent driver's license from the Secretary of State. The day I went to get my picture taken was superhero day (for homecoming week) at my school. Yes indeed, I am wearing a Superman costume in my driver's license picture. MLIA
Today, all Senior's were supposed to dress as what they wanted to be when they're older. After seeing 10 doctors and lawyers there was a kid dressed as a hobo. At least his dreams are easily attainable. MLIA
Yesterday, I had a quiz in math. There was 9 questions. 1-8 were standard math questions. Number 9 said "Good Luck". At the end of the test I put "thank you". Guess who got an extra credit point? MLIA.
Today, I was at a Halloween store looking for a costume. I read the list of available costumes. One of them was Waldo, and I asked the clerk to get one for me. She couldn't find it. Well played Waldo, well played. MLIA
Today, I had Chinese for dinner, and my fortune cookie said, "Something nice is coming to you in the mail." During dinner, my mom texted me saying that she was sending a care package to me with Halloween stuff. I shall not doubt you again, fortune cookie. MLIA
Today, for a short story I am writing, I was looking up small towns in Colorado. I found one that is called Dinosaur, Colorado. I didn't think I could be more amazed until I zoomed on Google Maps and discovered
that the streets are also named after dinosaurs. I want to move there now. MLIA.
Today, I read an MLIA about Dinosaur, Colorado. I live in Triceratops Terrace, Dinosaur, Colorado . You're welcome to visit any time. MLIA
One day in biology class, my teacher told a story about how a student got in trouble the day before and was told to write a 1,000 word essay. Instead of writing the essay, he drew a picture because "pictures are worth a thousand words." The essay was accepted, and the student was given full credit. Whoever you are, you are my hero. MLIA
The other day, my friends were practicing writing their name with their left hand. I wrote mine and they were all telling me how good it was. I'm left-handed. MLIA
Today, I told my friend that I was born without feet but doctors were able to take the feet off of dead people and make them into baby feet. When I showed him that my shins were a different color than me feet he was stunned and said “It’s amazing how far medicine has come!” I don’t think I will ever tell him that it’s just a sock tan line. MLIA
Today, it was picture day and I was looking quite snazzy. The lady taking the picture was counting 1, 2, 3.... and just as she said, "3", I pointed upwards with a disgusted face. Little did I know my friend who is above me in the yearbook did the same thing, but pointed down. Guess who is buying there yearbook this year? MLIA
Today, I needed to go my College Algebra class for a review day, but Jurassic Park was on. I really really wanted to catch the ending, but decided to get to class on time instead. My professor was late to class. His excuse? Jurassic Park was on and he couldn't miss the ending. MLIA
Today, our class asked our teacher if he had facebook. He said no, that he didn't need a website to tell him how many friends he had. Without skipping a beat a girl replied 'That's because you can count them on your hands'. I like her a lot more now. MLIA
Today, we had a test in Science Class. One question was "How do you delay the speed at which milk turns sour?". I didn't know the answer, so I wrote "Keep it in the cow". Full credit was awarded. MLIA.
Today, I put on a sweater I haven't worn in ages. A sock fell out of the arm as I got dressed. I stuffed it back in my pocket, running late. As I put my shoes and socks on, one of the socks ripped. Thank you, future-telling hoodie for saving me a trip up the stairs. MLIA.
Today, in my Health class, we were talking about habits that people start when they're young. One was thumb sucking. A girl in my class asked, "Why do girls suck their thumb more than guys?" My teacher was thinking of an answer when the most quiet girl in the class said, "Practice." MLIA
Today, I was singing "Yellow Submarine" in the dorm showers and when I got to the part with the echo, the person next to me sung it. MLIA
Today, my friends and I got an American History test back. Our study group had chosen to ignore textbooks in favor of Nerf Guns, and spent the evening before the test re-enacting the battles of the American Revolution in my living room. We all got A's. MLIA
Today, I was in line at the cash register at Kohls and there was an old guy in front of me. The cashier then proceeded to say "Have a good day" when the old man left and he responded "Don't tell me what to do." MLIA
Today, a hobo asked me for a few spare coins. I asked him if he had change for a twenty. He did. MLIA
Today, I threw away my old toothbrush after dropping it in the toilet. Since I did't have time to run to the store to buy a new one, I used the Star Wars one my friend had gotten me as a gag gift last Christmas. I discovered that it plays the Star Wars theme, complete with quotes from the original movies, while I'm brushing my teeth. I don't think I'll have any cavities next time I go to the dentist. MLIA
Today I changed my desktop background to a photo I took of the Empire State Building. Then I changed my cursor to a blue dinosaur. Now I can play godzilla on my desktop when I'm bored. MLIA
Today I got pulled over for going 18 miles over the speed limit, when the cop got to my window he asked if I knew how fast I was going, I knew I was speeding but said no sir anyway. The cop said "you were going 53 in a 35." I said "oh, I'm sorry sir, I'm Dyslexic" he looked at me and said "oh...I'm sorry have a good day." and walked back to his cop car and left. MLIA
Today, frustrated after unsuccessfully teaching my mom to text for the tenth time, I sent her a text saying, "If you are reading this then you have successfully opened a text message!" Nine hours later I recieved a text from her that said, "I did it!" I'm so proud. MLIA.
Today, I got on the bus to school like always. I was staring out the window and started to get a little nervous, because I didn't recognize where we were. I thought that I had gotten on the wrong bus until I looked out the other window and realized I just usually sit on the other side of the bus. MLIA.
Today, while looking at an amusement park's website, I found "Can I bring my light saber into the park?" in the FAQs. I thought it was a completely legitimate question. MLIA
Today, I decided to skip my sociology class, just because. I hardly ever skip classes, so I felt like a rebel. As I sat at my computer, marveling at my radical actions, I recieved an e-mail from my professor saying that class would be cancelled today. My spirit has been broken. MLIA
Today, in biology we had a coin flip to decide which team would go first for our Evolution jeopardy game. A girl on my team said we should choose tails, because animals have tails. I pointed out that animals have heads too. MLIA
Today, my college prof was telling us that the last three bonus questions on the test we were about to take were so easy that he would lay us on the floor and spank us if we got them wrong. The quiet girl in the back of the room whispered, "but what if you like that sort of thing?" MLIA
Today I was asking my kindergarten students questions. I asked, "What would you do if you broke a friend's toy?" A girl raised her hand and answered, "Put the parts together so it looks like it's fixed so that the next person who uses it thinks they broke it." I love my students. MLIA
Today, I asked my little cousin what he wanted to be for Halloween. he told me he wanted to be a cash register. I was confused so I asked him why and he said "That way when I go trick or treating, I'll say "sorry cash only."" I envy my little cousin's mind. MLIA
Yesterday I was walking with my mum when she complained to me that she'd seen a poster for a New Year's party....and they hadn't put the date on it. She wondered what I was laughing at. MLIA
Today I was on a bus and there was a man next to me talking on his phone. There was also a woman at the front talking on a mobile as well. It took them a good 15 minutes to realise they were talking to each other. MLIA
Today we were discussing the morality of eating animals in my Ethics class. We were discussing the food chain as a possible argument. My teacher asked if we (humans) were at the top of the food chain and everyone said yes. Then someone a voice from the third row yelled, "No! Zombies are on top!" The teacher shrugged and wrote it on the board. MLIA
Today, I got in trouble in social studies class. My punishment was to sit in a desk facing the back wall. We had to take a test where we labeled every South American country and its capital. Guess what was on the map I was now facing? MLIA
Today, my sister in first grade read Humpty Dumpty in class. When they had a question period afterwards, my sister raised her hand and asked,"If the wall was too high for Humpty to get down from, how did he get up there in the first place?" My teacher, mom and I are stumped. MLIA.
Today, I was bored in my health class. I wondered to myself, "I wonder if anyone really can read minds." I then thought to myself, "Hey! If anyone in this room can read minds, cough now!" The kid next to me caughed the looked over at me and smiled. I'm scared. MLIA.
Today, I was pulled over for going 17 mph over the speed limit. The cop was asking me routine questions about what might be in my car, and when he asked me if I had any weapons I informed him that I had two Nerf swords in my trunk. The police officer laughed, and proceeded to challenge me to a duel for the ticket. Guess who got off with a warning? MLIA.
Today, I went into Starbucks wearing a party hat I got in my chemistry class as a joke. As I was about to pay, the cashier said "oh, don't worry about it. Happy birthday!" Score. MLIA
you know what, i think america is awesome.